Karma’s only a Bitch if You Are

My novel is really flying along with Nanowrimo basically forcing me to get words on the page. My characters experience a lot of hate right from the beginning, and lately that theme has been eating at me. It pains me to be able to pull the feelings of being hated for who you are from life experience, but it seems unavoidable in the world we live in. People will find any and every reason to hate their fellow humans, and I guess, having never really experienced true hatred toward another, I don’t really understand why. All I can attest to is what it feels like to be on the receiving side.

When I was very young, I lived in one of the safest unsafe neighborhoods in Houston. Even then I remember waking up to gunshots, people breaking into cars, and sirens out to wazoo. I guess that might have been a perfect environment to analyze this theme, but I was too young to think of it, and emerged a relatively happy, innocent pre-adolescent. After that, we moved to Connecticut, which is probably the lowest crime state in like, the world! People in Connecticut have it pretty good. For starters, they’re all filthy rich, which means their only criminal activities include smoking very high quality marijuana from fancy, hand crafted, devices. I digress.

My point is, before the Army, I was pretty free to be who I was without (much) judgment or hatred. Now it seems I can’t escape it. People have literally found every possible aspect of my being to hate, and hammered away at my self-confidence as if it were in their job description. I have my share of moments when I would like to push someone off a cliff, but they pass and I return to being pleasant and courteous. Army people think it’s fun to carry a grudge. I can’t leave my house without hearing someone call me fat, or say something about my voice being too quiet, or mention that I might be a slut. People do drastic things to themselves after being subjected to this kind of hatred. We read it in the news all the time: kids killing themselves because someone broadcast that they were gay, girls starving themselves so people would stop calling them fat, people killing other people for the color of their skin. So why would anyone persist in bullying? In the past, I could say for certain that no one I allowed in my life was a vessel of such hatred. But now, in the Army, I can’t choose who I want in my life and who I don’t, and a lot of these people really scare me. Even when people are just joking, they’re filled with so much ignorance! I just wish there were some way to make people see how pointless it is to attack anyone.

Anyway, that was all I needed to get out; that I’m so very sick of the hate that goes around here and I don’t know how much longer I can go on being nice to people who are so blind to their own bigotry.

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